I will straight up say that I'm addicted to xanax. I cannot sleep without it. I lie in bed and will toss and turn. My mind races. I have to take 2 xanax nightly just to shut my brain up.
I told this to my therapist last week, and, well, she wants to have me come off the xanax.
I tried to not take one on Tuesday night. I was up until after 2am and had to work with just one other teller all day. I was cranked out on coffee, and learned 2 cups a day is my absolute limit. I started twitching, but at the same time, I needed to be on top of my game at work with just 2 tellers. I haven't felt so spazzed out in a long time.
Well, that isn't really the point of my blog this morning. (1am)
I wanted to talk about my writing, another hobby that was once so significant in my life.
I used to write. I used to write a lot. I wrote short stories and poetry mostly. The poetry I wrote never rhymed and the short stories were just that, short. I was never one for much detail, which is why everytime I tried to submit a piece or a poem I was rejected. But, that was okay, and it still encouraged me to keep trying and to keep writing.
I dated this man before Michael, and once wrote him a poem. He rejected it, and in that, destroyed my love for something I once held dear. I've tried to write poetry again, and it doesn't feel the same. This incident happened well over 7 years ago? I'm not completely sure, it's been so long. I occasionally come across my old writings and pine for the days that the words would just flow out of my body.
I haven't thought about my writing until recently, when a woman from church and I started a bible study. I love the workbook we work out of, Discipleship Essentials. Every question posed is open ended, and there really aren't any wrong answers. I'm taking a journey now from being a "Sunday Christian" to an "everyday Christian." This woman told me that she loves the answers I provide for the questions in the workbook. My answers are simple, yet eloquent. She complains her answers are too verbose.
So, this has made me think. I let some stupid man take away my passion, just because he didn't like something that came from my heart. What an idiot I am!
I guess that's why he's part of my past. *grin*
Perhaps I should try to write something for Michael one day.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
A weak attempt at an apology
Regarding yesterdays post, I indicated that my spiraling depression caused me to lose a lot of friends. Where this is true, I want to apologize. I want to apologize for being so self-absorbed in my misery to celebrate big events in everyone's lives. Babies, marriages, birthdays, parties, I made excuses to miss them all.
I don't expect to be forgiven. But everyone deserves an explanation.
Where I think medication and therapy helped make me a more sociable person, I really think it took almost losing Michael to realize what I was doing to those around me. I pushed so many people out of my life because I was hurting.
I know I am healing everyday. And everyday, I'm learning. I'm learning more about the person I was and the person I am now, and the person I want to be tomorrow.
I wonder why I'm writing this apology. Perhaps this is part of therapy, of self-medicating. Words on a page were always easier than to speak.
This post may be a waste of space and a facebook post, but I feel better knowing I've written it. To those who this is meant for, I truly am sorry I pushed you all away.
Sometimes, we build walls to see who cares enough to tear them down. Michael, I love you more than words can ever express. And I can never thank you enough for being so patient during my recovery.
I don't expect to be forgiven. But everyone deserves an explanation.
Where I think medication and therapy helped make me a more sociable person, I really think it took almost losing Michael to realize what I was doing to those around me. I pushed so many people out of my life because I was hurting.
I know I am healing everyday. And everyday, I'm learning. I'm learning more about the person I was and the person I am now, and the person I want to be tomorrow.
I wonder why I'm writing this apology. Perhaps this is part of therapy, of self-medicating. Words on a page were always easier than to speak.
This post may be a waste of space and a facebook post, but I feel better knowing I've written it. To those who this is meant for, I truly am sorry I pushed you all away.
Sometimes, we build walls to see who cares enough to tear them down. Michael, I love you more than words can ever express. And I can never thank you enough for being so patient during my recovery.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Coffee fueled and ready to talk
In April of 2007, I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease called follicular bronchiolitis. There really isn't much write up on it, it's pretty rare. From my limited understanding, I have an abundance of lymph tissue surrounding my lungs. I never have had any repercussions from the lung disease, other than asthma symptoms, which I'm used to, having had asthma since I was four.
The suggestion of weight loss surgery came that June, and I was defiant. I thought having the surgery was an easy way out of the excess weight I carried. I told my then pulmunologist that this was out of the question and I would lose weight on my own.
Let me back up for a moment. I hate. Hate being told what to do.
So, needless to say, I didn't start losing the weight. I started gaining. And gaining. My health declined, and more talk of weight loss surgery. I felt everything fall apart around me. I no longer wanted to be around people. I no longer wanted to practice my faith. I lost many friends. My marriage was in trouble. I had cut myself out of living my life. I did not know what the point was anymore, I was sick, and I knew that I was going to die.
In April of 2009, I was once again hospitalized, now for what came up as double pneumonia. Here, I was diagnosed for the first time with type 2 diabetes, with a blood sugar well over 500. All I thought about was that episode of family guy where they were poking fun at the gentleman who did that commercial for diabetes. How he was cranky and in a horrible mood all of the time. Things started making a little sense. I was in the hospital for two weeks, and sent home on insulin.
I got a hang of things, testing my blood sugar, eating more well rounded meals, taking insulin, and my blood sugar started cooperating. Getting off antibiotics and steroids helped as well. I no longer felt in a horrible mood, my husband and I hashed things out, and he was more supportive than ever.
A week before my sister got married in July of 2009, I was once again hospitalized for a cellulitis infection. Cellulitis has plagued me since 2001, when I developed a condition called lymphedema. Lymphedema is swelling in the limbs, in my case, below my knee. This was no stranger to me, and through the years, I've been able to predict when an infection is coming. It was during this brief hospital stay that I was tired of being sick all the time, and I knew that if I shed my weight, I wouldn't be as sick. I would have surgery.
At my sister's wedding, I was 330 lbs.
In August of 2009, I began my journey by attending a seminar on weight loss surgery at Middlesex Hospital. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do anything until 2010, I had used up all of my sick time at work. But, this was the beginning.
In my first visit to the surgeon in Jan 2010, I was 287 lbs. At surgery in July 2010, I weighed in at 255. Today, I am proud to say I weigh 194 lbs. I can honestly say if I never lose another pound, I'd be alright with that. The diabetes is no longer an issue. I no longer have sleep apnea. I even eliminated my high blood pressure. The surgery SAVED MY LIFE. I know if I continued down the road I was on, I would be dead at 35. There is no question about that.
I still hate being told what to do. :)
Addendum: My timeline is all wrong regarding my weight. I was my heaviest in June of 2008, not July of 2009. And I remembered this while at work today, I was at my heaviest when I transferred to another branch within Citizens Bank. At my sisters wedding, I was still tipping the scales at around 290 lbs. December of 2008, my parents bought a Wii for the family, and I used it religiously until I came down with the pneumonia in April of 2009. After I got out of the hospital, I never got back on the Wii. I had lost a good 20 lbs between Jan 2009-April 2009.
The suggestion of weight loss surgery came that June, and I was defiant. I thought having the surgery was an easy way out of the excess weight I carried. I told my then pulmunologist that this was out of the question and I would lose weight on my own.
Let me back up for a moment. I hate. Hate being told what to do.
So, needless to say, I didn't start losing the weight. I started gaining. And gaining. My health declined, and more talk of weight loss surgery. I felt everything fall apart around me. I no longer wanted to be around people. I no longer wanted to practice my faith. I lost many friends. My marriage was in trouble. I had cut myself out of living my life. I did not know what the point was anymore, I was sick, and I knew that I was going to die.
In April of 2009, I was once again hospitalized, now for what came up as double pneumonia. Here, I was diagnosed for the first time with type 2 diabetes, with a blood sugar well over 500. All I thought about was that episode of family guy where they were poking fun at the gentleman who did that commercial for diabetes. How he was cranky and in a horrible mood all of the time. Things started making a little sense. I was in the hospital for two weeks, and sent home on insulin.
I got a hang of things, testing my blood sugar, eating more well rounded meals, taking insulin, and my blood sugar started cooperating. Getting off antibiotics and steroids helped as well. I no longer felt in a horrible mood, my husband and I hashed things out, and he was more supportive than ever.
A week before my sister got married in July of 2009, I was once again hospitalized for a cellulitis infection. Cellulitis has plagued me since 2001, when I developed a condition called lymphedema. Lymphedema is swelling in the limbs, in my case, below my knee. This was no stranger to me, and through the years, I've been able to predict when an infection is coming. It was during this brief hospital stay that I was tired of being sick all the time, and I knew that if I shed my weight, I wouldn't be as sick. I would have surgery.
At my sister's wedding, I was 330 lbs.
In August of 2009, I began my journey by attending a seminar on weight loss surgery at Middlesex Hospital. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do anything until 2010, I had used up all of my sick time at work. But, this was the beginning.
In my first visit to the surgeon in Jan 2010, I was 287 lbs. At surgery in July 2010, I weighed in at 255. Today, I am proud to say I weigh 194 lbs. I can honestly say if I never lose another pound, I'd be alright with that. The diabetes is no longer an issue. I no longer have sleep apnea. I even eliminated my high blood pressure. The surgery SAVED MY LIFE. I know if I continued down the road I was on, I would be dead at 35. There is no question about that.
I still hate being told what to do. :)
Addendum: My timeline is all wrong regarding my weight. I was my heaviest in June of 2008, not July of 2009. And I remembered this while at work today, I was at my heaviest when I transferred to another branch within Citizens Bank. At my sisters wedding, I was still tipping the scales at around 290 lbs. December of 2008, my parents bought a Wii for the family, and I used it religiously until I came down with the pneumonia in April of 2009. After I got out of the hospital, I never got back on the Wii. I had lost a good 20 lbs between Jan 2009-April 2009.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
So, this is how it started...
Okay, so I caved. I created a blog.
I've been toying with the idea for a few days now, mainly because I want people to know about my weight loss journey and why I made the decisions I have made, but also to let people in as to why I lost the passion to write like I did 10-15 years ago. There's time for all that and more. But for now, I'm going to take advantage of my day off and log off the computer to do something constructive with my time.
I've been toying with the idea for a few days now, mainly because I want people to know about my weight loss journey and why I made the decisions I have made, but also to let people in as to why I lost the passion to write like I did 10-15 years ago. There's time for all that and more. But for now, I'm going to take advantage of my day off and log off the computer to do something constructive with my time.
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